We've had our new kids for almost 4 months now, and every day has had its ups and downs. Some days definitely has had more downs than ups and well...it's been hard to say the least. There have been moments of despair, frustration, and questioning..."Have we done the right thing? Have we ruined our family?" I've been told this is normal, but it is a new normal for me...and not a fun one!
Well, this week, some fruit started to appear. Not real fruit, but just as tangible...spiritual fruit.
It started with another really difficult day with Duan. This is common. Her defiance, her attitude, her unwillingness to respond and listen...an everyday wearing on parents. On Monday, it started. She became very disrespectful and just shut down when I put her towel that she sits on during math time where she didn't want to sit. It wasn't a big deal, but with a child who wants to control everything and manipulate the people around her and her environment...it was a big deal to her. So, the usual conversation began, "Duan, you have 2 choices (showing my two fingers): you may either do your math with me or sit in the green chair (our "time out/in" chair). The chair works for her to sit for as long as it takes until her attitude softens...usually 20 minutes plus and I am in the room nearby checking on her every 7 minutes or so.
Well, to the green chair she went. After 25 minutes she was willing to talk and listen. Keep in mind that I am also teaching 5 other children during this time with their schoolwork - a typical day here now. The next activity was to color her reading book and read to me. Again, attitude...back to the chair and my frustration began to rise up more as she seemed to not even care, but I knew that if she didn't sit in the chair, I would probably throw something! I needed to gain self control and clarity.
So, I began lunch. Thinking about it, I felt the Lord probing me for a different response..."Look at her the way I look at her...draw her in...bring her to you...she is hurting." I know this is true, but hard to do when you have chaos around you. So, "Duan, I am going to give you a second chance. You can come make lunch with me, but if you don't listen and respond, then you need to go back to the chair. After lunch, you can try doing your reading again."
All seemed better for now. Later in the afternoon, she had a run-in with Emily and Liz in which her feelings got hurt. She retreated to her room, crying, and crawled up in her bed. She hasn't done that for a while and really only has a few times when she is really deeply hurt. Phoeby needed to take a nap and Duan wouldn't come out of her bed. So, I got the ladder and lifted her down from her top bunk. The next thing that happened was the beginning of me really seeing our Heavenly Father's heart for his children.
Here there is this disobedient, obstinant, hurt child who wants nothing to do with anything other than herself. Much like we are in regards to God at times. So, I listened to the "problem" and then sent Liz and Emily away while Duan continued to cry in my arms. "Duan, you know, it's okay to cry...just cry it out...cry it ALL out! Cry out ALL your hurts. Mommy is here, and I'm not going anywhere...I love you. It is okay...you are safe. You are my sweet baby girl...just cry it all out here with Mom."
And she did. She sobbed and sobbed. I prayed over her and sung to her and clung her near and dear to my bosom as only a mother can do. I asked her if she was hurt before when she was Phoeby's age. "Were you sad when you didn't see your birthmom, Miami, anymore? Did your heart hurt?" More sobbing...and the layers began to peel away. The layers of hardness that had been built up in self defense around a little girl's heart. The layers of lies that said to her - you are not loved. Your mom does not want you.
She sobbed, and I cried too. It was surreal in a way...kind of like a dream of complete bonding and goodness. It made me think of the bonding time I had with my biological children when they cried and I nursed them and caressed them and held them in my arms when they were a baby. It was like "nursing" her hurts with God's love flowing through me. She cried until she fell asleep with her arms around me. I sang to her and stroked her hair. We laid on the sofa in each other's arms and both fell asleep from emotional exhaustion. After minutes of resting, we woke up. The crying was over...a smile was on my baby girls face. She had been comforted...loved...accepted...wanted...all in about an hour's time. And it did not come from me...only through me. Love like this has a source...unconditional love...agape love...God's love!
Since then, there is a different bond between Duan and me. During our family devotion time on Tuesday we shared a good thing about the day. Duan said it was when Mom held her and helped her hurts...to her it didn't matter that it happened the day before. The effect of it was still going on inside of her. And...I know there will be more hurts to hold and heal...more layers to be peeled...more sanctification to be made from our heavenly Father. But, are any of us any different? Wasn't it for this reason that Christ was born...to make beauty from ashes?
"to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:3